


The Winter Soldier vs. Twitter (hashtag BuckRogers)

by galwednesday



Series: BuckRogers vs. the Internet [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Bucky Barnes is a troll, Captain A-marinara, Dirty Talk, Euphemisms, Fluff, Humor, Jerks in Love, M/M, Steve Rogers has never backed down from a dare in his unnaturally long life, Steve Rogers is a Troll, Twitter, Up all night to get Bucky, if you were banging Captain America you'd brag about it too, in the dorkiest possible sense, they deserve each other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-25
Updated: 2016-05-25
Packaged: 2018-06-09 15:07:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6912172
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/galwednesday/pseuds/galwednesday
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Remember what I said about internet trolls?”</p><p>“Don’t feed the trolls.”</p><p>“Exactly. Did I not say the same thing to Barnes?” Tony asked rhetorically. “Were those not my exact words? I could have sworn they were, and yet.”</p><p>“Bucky’s feeding the trolls?”</p><p>“He’s throwing a goddamn seven-course troll <em>banquet</em>. Every time someone on Twitter asks if your relationship announcement is real, he replies. Colorfully.”</p><p>Steve opened his mouth to ask what “colorfully” meant, then caught the gleam in Tony’s eye and put two and two together. He blushed. Colorfully. “Oh.”</p><p>(Steve and Bucky announce their relationship in a very dignified press conference. Bucky then replies to every goddamn tweet asking him to confirm it with a different dirty euphemism. Things escalate from there.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Winter Soldier vs. Twitter (hashtag BuckRogers)

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [冬兵大战推特怪（热词 BuckRogers）](https://archiveofourown.org/works/7475439) by [kycydzf](https://archiveofourown.org/users/kycydzf/pseuds/kycydzf)



> This isn’t Captain America: Civil War compliant and contains no spoilers. If you want a bit of Stucky fluff where everyone is friends and nobody is trying to kill anyone even a little bit, you’re in the right place! *retreats behind rose-tinted glasses* 
> 
> I’m never sure where the dividing line is between Mature and Teen, but this is somewhere around there.
> 
> EDIT: Now [translated into Chinese](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7475439) by [kycydzf](http://archiveofourown.org/users/kycydzf/pseuds/kycydzf)!

**CNN** @CNN  
BREAKING: Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes go public with their relationship. “We’ve been together since before the war.” cnn.it/VS87C4K

  
**canon stan** @Stucky_on_you  
OH MY GOD  
  
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD  
  
I CAN’T STOP REWINDING TO 13:42, SEND HELP   


> **CNN** @CNN  
>  BREAKING: Captain Rogers and Sergeant Barnes go public with their relationship. “We’ve been together since before the war.” cnn.it/VS87C4K

 

 **Buckluck** @Barnest0rmer  
@Stucky_on_you I’m at work and can’t watch it yet, what happens at 13:42??? I NEED TO KNOW EVERYTHING

  
**canon stan** @Stucky_on_you  
@Barnest0rmer At 13:42, a reporter asks if their relationship is sexual, and Cap just says “yes” and then Bucky adds “frequently”  
  
FREQUENTLY

  
**Morch Madness** @moritathemerrier  
@Stucky_on_you @Barnest0rmer Cap actually cracked a smile for a second before he got his Serious Bizness face back in place.

  
**canon stan** @Stucky_on_you  
@moritathemerrier @Barnest0rmer That was more than a smile, that was a SMIRK. Captain America SMIRKED AT HIS BF’S DIRTY JOKE. ON CAMERA.

  
**Buckluck** @Barnest0rmer  
@Stucky_on_you @moritathemerrier This is the best thing that has ever happened to me

 

The morning after the press conference, Tony barged onto Steve and Bucky’s floor while Steve was eating breakfast. Steve kept his newspaper held high in front of his face, blocking Tony from sight.

Tony snaked an arm under the paper’s edge and helped himself to Steve’s coffee. “Your boy is on a Twitter rampage."

“Knocking, Tony,” Steve said. He turned the page with a rattle, pretending to be absorbed. “We’ve talked about this.”

Tony rolled his eyes and knocked rapidly against the kitchen doorframe. “Can I come in?”

“You’re already in.”

“Then why did you tell me to knock? No, nevermind, this is more important. Remember what I said about internet trolls?”

“Don’t feed the trolls.” Steve folded the paper, then stole his mug back and drained it in one long gulp.

“Exactly. Did I not say the same thing to Barnes?” Tony asked rhetorically. “Were those not my exact words? I could have sworn they were, and yet.”

“Bucky’s feeding the trolls?”

“He’s throwing a goddamn seven-course troll _banquet_. Every time someone on Twitter asks if your relationship announcement is real, he replies. Colorfully.”

Steve opened his mouth to ask what “colorfully” meant, then caught the gleam in Tony’s eye and put two and two together. He blushed. Colorfully. “Oh.”

“ _Oh_ ,” Tony agreed, making it sound like an innuendo. He adjusted the settings on Steve’s coffeemaker and hit the button for a fresh pot, staring mournfully at the empty carafe like he could guilt it into filling faster. Which wasn’t out of the realm of possibility; Steve wouldn’t put it past Tony to have installed sentient coffeemakers.

Steve cleared his throat. “Well. Bucky can handle himself.”

“I don’t doubt that, I really do not, but everyone seems to assume that since I taught you guys about the internet and set you up with tech, everything you do with it is my fault. Like when you spent three days fighting in the comments on every news article about the Winter Soldier trial instead of sleeping or eating--”

“Yeah, I remember,” Steve interrupted, rubbing a hand across the back of his neck. That hadn’t been his finest moment. After Tony had finally cut off his internet access and sent Thor and Clint to drag him to bed, Steve had slept for twenty hours straight. He’d woken up to find “Don’t Read the Comments” cross-stitch samplers hung on every wall of his apartment.

He still sometimes needed the reminders.

“Do you know how many times I got yelled at for that? Five.” Tony held up a hand and raised one finger for each name. “Hill, Coulson, Natasha, Fury, and Coulson again, with twice as much disappointment the second time around. I tried to tell them that I wasn’t to blame for your pig-headed determination to bring Justice and Righteousness to comment sections everywhere--”

“Thanks,” Steve said, snatching the cup of coffee Tony had just poured out of Tony’s hands. Tony didn’t miss a beat, just stole Steve’s original mug and poured himself a fresh cup.

“But did they listen? No. Somehow it became my responsibility to keep Captain America away from the dark side of the internet playground.”

Steve snorted. “Bucky and I don’t need babysitters.”

“Great, absolutely, I agree one hundred percent. Whatever happens next is thus clearly not my fault. JARVIS, save a recording of this conversation so I can play it for Hill when she starts yelling at me about Barnes’ descent into Twitter madness. Congratulations on going public with your relationship, by the way, you’re sickeningly into each other and it’s incredibly obvious, can’t believe there was anyone left who didn’t see it,” and then Tony was making a beeline for the door, driven out by his own brief lapse into sincerity.

“Thanks, your support means a lot to me,” Steve shouted after him, because it was completely true, and because it would make Tony squirm to hear it. He might not have always known the word for it, but Steve had been trolling people since before Tony was born.

“Whatever, Rogers, keep it in your pants!” Tony yelled back.

“You’re a good friend!”

“Ughhhhhh.” Tony lunged for the elevator.

Steve smiled and drank the rest of his coffee in peace.

 

Bucky had always been good at making connections, blending in, scouting unfamiliar social scenes and figuring out how the rules worked. Before the war, it had been Bucky who’d found the bars where he and Steve could safely hold hands above the table. During his recovery, he had taken to social media like a duck to water.

While Steve mostly ignored the accounts Tony had set up for him, Bucky and Tony had quickly starting competing to be King of the Internet based on some bewildering and ever-shifting metrics known only to the two of them. Steve had lost track of everything but their hotly-contested battle over Instagram followers, and Steve only knew about that because whenever Bucky lost ground, he took post-workout selfies (always sweaty, shirt optional) until he was in the lead again.

Steve deeply appreciated Bucky’s Instagram habit.

Sometimes Steve thought his embrace of social media was part of Bucky’s ongoing “fuck you, Hydra” campaign. The Winter Soldier had been nameless, voiceless, and faceless, a ghost story designed to inspire terror in Hydra’s enemies. Bucky Barnes had more than two million followers and a verified checkmark on Twitter, and he used it to retweet Vines of fainting goats. Fuck you, Hydra.

Or maybe Bucky just liked posing shirtless. He’d done it often enough for Steve when they were growing up. Half of Steve’s teenage sketches had been of Bucky in nothing but loose trousers, leaning against the kitchen counter or dangling bare feet over the fire escape. Bucky had been shameless, once, something he seemed to have gleefully reclaimed, going by his Twitter feed.

Steve scrolled through Bucky’s tweets from yesterday, finding a steady stream of replies to people talking about their relationship announcement. A lot of the comments were congratulatory or downright ecstatic, and Bucky replied to those with strings of emoticons that Steve assumed were positive, but other comments were more critical. There were a surprising number of skeptics who refused outright to believe the announcement was real. Those were the ones getting Bucky’s _colorful_ replies.

  
**Todd** @kreehugger  
.@CNN This has got to be a fake. Attempt to humanize #MassMurderer #WinterSoldier? Not buying it.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@kreehugger @CNN 100% true, we’ve been doing the horizontal mambo since before you were born

  
**MRAdam** @get_my_roxxoff  
@CNN yea right, this is just a politically correct publicity stunt. no way captain america is gay

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@get_my_roxxoff @CNN I spend half my waking hours banging Captain America like a screen door in a hurricane

 

Bucky’s first round of replies rippled through Twitter like chum thrown in shark-infested waters. Trolls descended instantly, directing their skepticism straight to Bucky. He responded with shorter, but no less blatant, replies.

 

 **the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@rosstafarian I ride that man like a pony

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@mag_neato he pounds me like a nail

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@fAIMandfortune I climb him like a tree

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@lowkeylackey he licks me like a lollipop

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@thehumanstane I screw him like a twist-off bottle cap

 

The replies went on and on. All of them had hundreds of retweets.

Steve rested his head on top of his folded arms and tried to will his blush to subside. It didn’t work--it never worked, dammit--but at least it hid his face.

Bucky wasn’t telling them anything more than what he and Steve had already agreed to disclose. His language was eye-catching, but didn’t actually give away any details. There was nothing out of bounds in confirming that they were having sex.

Doing it _colorfully_ was Bucky’s way of telling the people calling him and Steve liars to fuck off, and Steve couldn’t object to that. Bucky was just joining in on a conversation that would happen with or without his input.

A conversation about their sex life. Happening in public. On the internet.

The _President_ could see those tweets.

Steve groaned and pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his head.

 

“You’ve been busy.”

Bucky looked up from his nest of blankets and gave Steve a slow smile. He reached out a hand and wiggled his fingers impatiently until Steve passed him the mug of coffee he was carrying. “You finally check your Twitter feed?”

“Tony gave me a heads-up.” Steve sat next to him, back against the headboard and legs folded so his knee pressed against Bucky’s thigh. It had been a good night, no nightmares for either of them, and Bucky was at his most relaxed. Steve loved these lazy mornings with Bucky safe and warm beside him, hoarded the memories of each one to pull out on long missions when he needed something to give him strength.

“Tony’s a snitch,” Bucky said. He burrowed deeper under the comforter and tapped something rapidly on his phone.

Steve’s own phone buzzed. He opened it to find a new Twitter alert.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@Armin_in_armani I would say we’ve been bumping uglies, but every damn bit of @SteveRogers is gorgeous

 

Steve shook his head. “Christ, it’s like 1944 all over again, but instead of just talking shit with the Howlies you’re tellin’ the whole country.”

“Honey, if you were banging Captain America, you’d brag about it, too.”

Steve threw a pillow at his face.

“What? It’s true.” Bucky held up his phone, and a moment later Steve heard the shutter-click sound.

"Did you just take a picture of me?"

"Yeah. Can I send it to Sam? He asked how hard you were blushing reading my tweets and I don't have the words to do it justice."

Steve threw the other pillow at his head, yanked it back when Bucky tried to hang onto it, and threw it again for good measure.

“So is that a yes or a no?” Bucky asked, unfazed.

“Fine, send it.”

A few seconds later his own phone buzzed with new texts from Sam.

_Hahahahahahaha_  
_You look like a tomato_  
_Captain A-marinara_

Steve replied with a picture of him flipping off the camera.

_You know you could ask him to stop if it actually bothers you_

_Of course I could, but then he would WIN._

_You two are literally children_

This time, Steve’s reply pic was of him sticking out his tongue.

His phone buzzed with another Twitter alert, and Steve opened it with some trepidation, scrolling up to read the start of the thread.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@crossb0ners69 I plowed him into the mattress every friday night from 1938 to 1941

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@crossb0ners69 jk

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@crossb0ners69 we couldn’t risk neighbors hearing squeaky bedsprings so we just did it on the floor

  
**Rumlow sweet chariot** @crossb0ners69  
@BuckyBarnes you got a real mouth on you

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@crossb0ners69 darling, you have no idea. only @SteveRogers knows what my mouth is really capable of

 

Steve groaned. “ _Bucky_.”

“Yeah, doll?” Bucky said innocently. “You askin’ for a demonstration?”

“That supposed to be a smooth line? Your material needs work.”

Bucky rolled onto his knees behind Steve, kicking free of the comforter with a grace Steve never managed himself. He slid both hands, one warm and one cool, over Steve’s shoulders, thumbs unerringly digging into pressure points. Steve made an embarrassing moaning noise and let his head drop forward. “Now why would I waste my best lines on a sure thing like you?”

“You fuckin’ jerk,” Steve murmured blissfully. Bucky was loosening a knot just beneath his shoulder blade and it felt amazing. “You’re sleeping on the couch tonight.”

“Hmm.” Bucky leaned forward until his lips brushed the nape of Steve’s neck. “Wasn’t planning on doing much sleeping.”

“Is that right?” Steve turned his head sideways so Bucky could catch his lips in a kiss. The angle was awkward, but Steve couldn’t have cared less.

“Had a few other ideas.” Bucky twisted like a snake, pivoting to straddle Steve’s lap with his hands on Steve’s chest, skimming the soft flannel of his shirt.

“Yeah? You gonna show me?”

Bucky gave him an unimpressed look. “And you think my lines need work?”

“Well, like you said.” Steve shrugged. “If someone’s a sure thing--”

Bucky shoved and Steve went down hard, bouncing once on the nest of pillows and grinning at the ceiling. “None of your sass, Rogers.”

“You got it, Sarge.” Steve reached for the buttons on his shirt, but Bucky gave a growl of disapproval and pinned his hands to either side of Steve’s head, fingers twining between Steve’s. Steve let himself go boneless under the warm weight of Bucky’s body. Normally being restrained set his combat reflexes on high alert, but this was _Bucky_. Trusting him was the easiest thing in the world.

“You and your goddamn Old Man Plaids.” Bucky leaned down and took the edge of Steve’s collar between his lips. His teeth scraped against the sensitive skin of Steve’s throat, and Steve sucked in a sharp breath.

“Are you--” Steve craned his head up, trying to look at what Bucky was doing, but all he could see was a curtain of sleek, dark hair. “Did you just unbutton my shirt with your _mouth_?”

Bucky’s affirmation was a muffled vibration against Steve’s chest that set his skin buzzing. The stubble on Bucky’s chin rasped against fabric as he slid down another inch.

“Where did you learn to do that?” Steve asked breathlessly.

Bucky popped the next button, looked up, and smirked. Steve knew he must look a sight, flushed and squirming with his chest half bare. Bucky always loved making Steve lose his composure. “YouTube.”

Bucky got bored easily. In the early days after his return, when he barely spoke and never left the Tower, he would spend hours watching martial arts competitions, survivalist training videos, language tutorials--anything that could someday be mission relevant. Over time, his focus slowly shifted to interests like cooking and woodworking--things that were practical, but not a matter of life or death. Lately, Bucky had been picking up deliberately frivolous skills like juggling (fuck you, Hydra).

If Bucky wanted to use his enhanced dexterity and near-eidetic memory to develop advanced undressing techniques, Steve sure as hell wasn’t going to complain, especially not when he got to enjoy the results.

Bucky licked down his abs to the next button, the ends of his hair whispering across Steve’s stomach, and Steve bit back a moan. “There are YouTube tutorials for unbuttoning a shirt with your mouth?”

“There are YouTube tutorials for everything.”

Steve couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up from deep in his chest. The absurdity of Bucky picking up sex tips on YouTube, the sheer joy of having Bucky here with him, and his own awe at being so fucking lucky combined to make laughter inescapable.

“Don’t laugh while I’m seducing you, Rogers, you’ll hurt my delicate fuckin’ feelings,” Bucky muttered, so of course Steve laughed again. This earned him a wicked bite over his left hipbone that went straight to his cock, which wasn't exactly incentive to keep quiet, but it was plenty distracting.

Once the last shirt button was undone, Bucky let go of Steve’s hands and shifted his grip to Steve’s hips, thumbs stroking under his waistband. He dropped a light kiss on the soft skin just below Steve’s bellybutton. “Bet you a dollar I can undo your zipper with my teeth.”

Steve’s hips jerked involuntarily. “God bless the internet.”

 

Steve had intended to stay out of it. He really had. Bucky had the situation well in hand, and seemed to be enjoying himself. Steve had planned to continue pretending his private life was still private and leave Bucky to his fun.

But now that he knew Steve was aware of his Twitter rampage, Bucky kept tagging Steve in his replies. Steve should have known this would happen; he had dragged Bucky into too many bar fights and back-alley scraps to not expect payback in kind. This particular brawl might be digital, but Steve still had the same compulsion to wade into trouble, and Bucky knew just what provocation to offer. In retrospect, the only surprising thing was that it took Steve a whole day to crack.

Fonduing was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Steve had ignored the blinking of his phone all through dinner, even as Bucky typed with one hand and ate pasta with the other, but once he had finished washing dishes and Bucky had gone off to the bedroom to lounge (every incarnation of Bucky he’d ever known was equally allergic to doing the dishes) Steve gave into his own curiosity.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@rad_skull I spent the war fonduing @SteveRogers all over Europe

  
**Kevin** @rad_skull  
@BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers wtf is fonduing

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@rad_skull @SteveRogers urbandictionary.com/def...

 

Steve clicked the link, read the definition, and dropped his head onto the counter with a loud thunk.  


> **Fonduing**  
>  Having sex, especially with some dumb punk who’s way out of your league, but who doesn’t have the sense God gave a turnip, so he doesn’t realize it.
> 
> _"During World War II, Bucky and Steve fondued in half the barns in France."_

“You okay there, Stevie?” Bucky called cheerfully.

“Just fine, thanks,” Steve shouted back. After a few fortifying moments, he lifted his head and picked up his phone again.

 

 **You know who I am** @Stark   
Okay guys, fess up, who told Barnes about Urban Dictionary? @BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@Stark @SteveRogers darcy

  
**You know who I am** @Stark   
.@DarcyLou Dammit, Darcy @BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers

  
**DARCE ATTACK** @DarcyLou  
@Stark @BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers ;P

 

Well, if Tony could jump into the conversation, why couldn’t Steve? Steve typed out a new tweet directly to Bucky.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes Are you actually adding new euphemisms to the dictionary now? What, did you finally run out?

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@SteveRogers you think you could do better? #bringit 

 

Steve covered his face with his hands. The whole world could see these.

But now Bucky was outright _daring_ him.

 

 **Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes You asked for it, bud. Just like you asked me to nail you like a loose floorboard last night.

 

Steve’s face was hot, but he sent the tweet. A few seconds later he had to remind himself not to hold his breath.

His mentions had already been overwhelming, the notifications number rocketing up to 99+ within thirty seconds of the first time Bucky tagged him, so Steve was used to ignoring them. Steve kept an eye on Bucky’s feed for a reply instead.

Unsurprisingly, Tony got his reply in first. (Bucky had complained before that JARVIS’ dictation speed gave Tony an unfair advantage in their King of the Internet competition; Tony had retorted that Bucky was welcome to build his own superintelligent AI any time if he felt like he couldn’t keep up. Steve had left the room with his hands over his ears soon after that.)

 

 **You know who I am** @Stark   
.@SteveRogers @BuckyBarnes You know Twitter isn't meant for sexting, right? Thought I put that in the 21st century welcome pamphlet

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@Stark @SteveRogers yeah but Steve won't get snapchat

 

Twenty seconds later, a notification popped up on Steve’s phone telling him that Snapchat had been installed. He ignored it and went back to Twitter.

 

 **the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers look, Stevie, we’re trending #BuckRogers

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes I’ll Rogers your Buck any day, pal. #BuckRogers

 

Steve heard Bucky snort from the bedroom. A moment later, he had a new reply.

 

 **the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers you gonna rogers my hammerstein? #thisisnotthehammerstein #thehammersteinismypenis 

 

Steve had to read the replies and Google “sing-along blog” to figure out what the hell the hashtags meant.

"Using modern pop culture references is cheating!" Steve yelled.

"Fuck you, Rogers, you're just jealous I fit that many musical references into one tweet.”

“I’m sure Rodgers and Hammerstein would be proud to see how you’re upholding their legacy in the new millennium.”

“I’m keeping musical theater alive for the next generation, Steve. I’m a patron of the arts over here.”

“Yeah, sure, they outta give you a medal.”

 

 **Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes Your hammerstein is definitely on the list of my favorite things.

 

That got a crack of laughter from the bedroom. “The Sound of Music, really? And you’re giving _me_ shit about upholding their legacy?”

“Hey, you already used every goddamn dirty phrase in the English language.” Steve leaned back on the stool and put his feet up on the counter, sliding that morning’s newspaper under his heels so he wouldn’t get the counter dirty. Relaxation was spreading through his whole body as the itching self-consciousness of being under public scrutiny gave way to the familiar, comforting rhythm of he and Bucky giving each other shit. Maybe that had been Bucky’s plan all along. “I’m working with dregs here.”

“Poor baby,” Bucky called mockingly.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers don’t strain yourself there, buddy

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes I can do this (and you) all day.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers you sure had me on the ropes last night ;)

  
**canon stan** @Stucky_on_you  
DID THE WINTER SOLDIER JUST MAKE A BONDAGE JOKE OMFG I CAN’T  


> **the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
>  @SteveRogers you sure had me on the ropes last night ;)

 

 **Buckluck** @Barnest0rmer  
@Stucky_on_you @BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers the winky face  
  
I die

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes If I’m off my game, it’s only because I was up all night to get Bucky.

 

"Now who's making pop culture references?"

"You started it!"

 

 **You know who I am** @Stark   
.@SteveRogers Who told Captain America about Daft Punk???

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@Stark Darcy.

  
**You know who I am** @Stark   
.@DarcyLou @SteveRogers Another thing we can blame on Darcy #blameDarcy2016

  
**DARCE ATTACK** @DarcyLou  
. @Stark @SteveRogers umm YES PLEASE, feel free to blame me for this entire conversation

  
**DARCE ATTACK** @DarcyLou  
. @Stark @SteveRogers I will be getting free drinks for the rest of my LIFE #blameDarcy2016

  
**Morch Madness** @moritathemerrier  
.@Darcy @Stark @SteveRogers #NationalHero #blameDarcy2016

  
**Sloppy Joe** @StrikeTeam420  
.@SteveRogers @BuckyBarnes I expected better from Captain America. Guess that Boy Scout image is just for show. #NationalHero? #NotMyHero

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
.@StrikeTeam420 @SteveRogers nah it's all true, Rogers is a real stand-up fella  
  
in his pants

  
**Buckluck** @Barnest0rmer  
@Stucky_on_you MY HEART #BuckRogers  


> **the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
>  @StrikeTeam420 @SteveRogers nah it's all true, Rogers is a real stand-up fella  
>    
>  in his pants

  
**canon stan** @Stucky_on_you  
@Barnest0rmer @BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers MY LOINS #BuckRogers

 

Steve snorted. “Defending my honor? I’m touched.”

“Anything for my best guy.”

 

 **Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes Thanks for having my back.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers I'd rather have you on your back

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes Let’s compromise and make the beast with two backs.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers figures you’d go back to the source material to describe knowing me in the biblical sense

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes Baby, you’re my original sin.

 

Steve grinned at the sputter of a choked-off laugh from the bedroom.

 

 **the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers you little shit, that was MY LINE. can’t believe you’re recycling my material from the 40s

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes I learned from the best. :)

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers punk

  
**Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@BuckyBarnes Jerk.

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
@SteveRogers I'll jerk you

  
**You know who I am** @Stark   
@BuckyBarnes @SteveRogers Jesus take the wheel

  
**You know who I am** @Stark   
.@MariaHill Swear to God, I tried. You can lead a nonagenarian to Snapchat but you can't stop him from #sexting in public @SteveRogers

 

"Hey." Steve wandered through the bedroom door, frowning down at his phone. "My Twitter turned into a whale?"

"That's the fail whale." Bucky was sprawled across the bed, both arms stretched above his head, metal gleaming blue in the cool evening light. "It happens when their servers go down. Looks like something put a little extra strain on their systems."

Steve's eyes widened. "Buck--did we break Twitter?"

"Sure looks that way." Bucky looked supremely satisfied.

"Bucky!" Steve felt obscurely like someone was about to burst through the door and drag him out by the ear. Evidently his muscle memories of what happened when he and Bucky got in trouble were still going strong eighty years later. "I didn't--did you know this would happen?"

Bucky shrugged. "It was a possibility."

"We broke Twitter." Steve dropped to sit on the edge of the bed, rolling Bucky towards the dip he made in the mattress. Bucky braced himself with a hand against Steve’s back. "We broke Twitter with our _sex tweets_."

"Yep.”

“That’s--”

“Hilarious?”

“I was going to go with mortifying.”

Bucky shrugged. “It can be both.”

“I feel like we should apologize.”

“Apologize for what? We were just talking. Not our fault people can’t mind their own business.”

“Should I write them a letter? I’ll write them a letter.”

"You're such a fuckin’ meatball."

Steve flicked Bucky’s ear. "I'll ball your meat."

Bucky groaned and butted his head against Steve’s ribs. "I've created a monster."

“You started it.” He slid a hand into Bucky’s hair, scratching gently. “So. We broke Twitter. Now what should we do?”

The hand on Steve’s back slid lower, teasing at the hem of his shirt. “I can think of a few things.”

“Yeah?” Steve said innocently. His fingers dipped under Bucky’s collar to stroke the soft, fine hairs at the nape of his neck. He waited for Bucky to arch into the touch, then pulled his hand away and stood up abruptly. “You know, I think the Mets are playing, we could go watch--”

Bucky tackled him back down to the mattress.

 

**An Epilogue in Three Tweets**

 

 **Steve Rogers** @SteveRogers   
@Twitter Please accept this drawing of Fail Whale Captain America as my apology for any damage my actions caused. pic.twitter.com/...

  
**You know who I am** @Stark   
.@BuckyBarnes Fine, you win this round, Barnes. Best two out of three--next up is Tumblr. #ReadytoRumblr #KingoftheInternet

  
**the notorious JBB** @BuckyBarnes  
the triumphant return of #BuckRogers pic.twitter.com/…

 

The selfie was tame, by Bucky’s usual standards. It just showed two heads resting on the same pillow, covers pulled up demurely to their necks. Steve’s eyes were closed, but he had a hint of a smile curling his lips. Bucky was giving Steve’s cheek an exaggerated kiss, lips puckered out like a cartoon character.

The middle finger he was extending with his metal hand was almost an afterthought.

The tweets doubting their relationship tapered off pretty quickly after that.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Getting the formatting for all the tweets right was a NIGHTMARE, so apologies in advance for anything that’s still screwed up! Hashtag unbetad, hashtag I-never-want-to-see-a-span-tag-again. At least I know how to use skins now.
> 
> I don’t have the art skills to draw Steve’s Captain America Fail Whale, but I imagine it as the normal fail whale with the colors shifted from orange/blue to red/blue, Steve’s shield painted on the whale’s back, and the birds wearing tiny cowls. It’s ADORABLE, and Twitter uses it any time Avengers news and/or shit-stirring overwhelms their servers.
> 
> EDIT: Samichuu created an AMAZING [Captain America Fail Whale](https://tmblr.co/Zvm1Dx27DkRaE), everyone should check it out!
> 
> *watches hits almost double in 24 hours* UH. It looks like Tumblr found this fic, and I am overwhelmed, in the best possible way, by your comments and kudos. I can't keep up with individual replies, but thank you all for letting me know what you think, I really appreciate it! <3
> 
> EDIT II, RETURN OF THE EDIT: I have [a Tumblr](https://galwednesday.tumblr.com) now, come say hi!


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